those eyes. those are those “come give it to me, now” eyes. actually, this looks like a “you want it, don’t you?” face. that face…

i don’t know how or why i barely only lasted this scene, but shit. it’s gotta be the whole handjob thing, being horny as whatever right now, AND it being carmen. she didn’t even have to be the best with a cock in her hand. i guess it was just the mood. i’ve definitely wacked it to this scene before, but this time was… yeah. i wanted to watch another scene, but i didn’t make it… *holds (other) head (this time)*

yes, i’m a dirty boy and yes, i’m a (dirty little) pervert.

^ i was talking to carmen.

*laughs*

kinda gave up, but kinda didn’t. where in the world is…? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKzCpCBzXhs

i’m not obsessed. i’m just.. stressed.. and alone.. and committed to what diminished. finished.. with no pun in it.. bitches.

hot girls are selfish. looking back, they’ve showed me that they only give a damn about what they want and their own feelings. no one else’s. if you’re not hot yourself, don’t expect anything in return for being there for them. they don’t really care about you or me. none of them have checked up on me, since we’ve last talked. i always have to extend my hand. i’m good on that, now. i was literally the crying shoulder for one of them, when damn near everybody else shunned her for reasons i won’t discuss. no bullshit. *thinks* but shit.. maybe i’m the selfish one for only wanting her/them…

and through all the bullshit.. here i am still waiting and looking around for at least one of y’all… and why do i turn to porn stars? they’re in the titanic, in this situation… that’s the closest to a tom cruise that i could get…

lmao, the wordplay is “superb. outstanding. excellent.”

horrible post, though. poorly articulated, but i know what i was trying to say. that’s all that matters, right hotties?

imagine waking up and it being this day (on the calendar) of that year. i’d be playing nfsu2 and (nba) 2k5 and madden and staying up until 6 a.m. and some other shit… i’d be 15 again. time flies and i can’t.. so she left me.

my sleep schedule is the worst it’s ever been, from what i can remember. it’s somewhere around 1-8 sessions.. p.m. that is. horrible. i’m typing this sentence at 12:01 p.m. right now. i’ll probably finish this post in like 30 minutes. normally, it would take about an hour, but i’m dumb tired and i know i’m gonna forget some shit that i really wanted to say. it’s 2 days in the making, too. oh well. let’s get this thing underway, shall we?

girls is still that show. the songs to the ending credits are always so fitting. lena (not hanna) can probably get it in real life ‘cause of the realness she brought to/is sharing with the world.. and she seems/probably is really/pretty smart. i fuck with that. lol, such an ignorant sentence, that previous one was… yoda?

of course i finished watching flcl again. i think episode 4 (full swing) is my favorite. don’t get it twisted, though. there are moments in each episode that cannot be paralleled and/or ranked and i love them all equally as much, depending on exactly how i’m feeling.. but as a whole, i think i dig that one the most. “anyway.. nothing can happen ‘till you swing the bat.” so groundbreaking.. but getting ignored or rejected is the worst. that episode makes me feel like i too can be the one… lol, lemme chill before y’all OD judge me.

i think i’m gonna watch the whole ghost in the shell series from start to finish.. based on what netflix has, anyway. i’ve only seen a handful of episodes that came on adult swim back in the day. never really got into it ‘cause i couldn’t figure out how or where it started. ooooo! you know what i miss? paranoia agent. i need to see if netflix has that shit. i need to watch that whole series. i really liked it when it was airing on [as]. word. i’m gonna start expanding my a(nime)rsonal, for numerous reasons…

in anything that you’re doing.. whether it be listening to music or watching something wherever.. if you’re not searching for knowledge, then you’re not doing enough. if you’re not looking to grow and then use that growth in information to create something bigger, then what are you even doing it for? wonder.

a friend and i were talking about old girl friends (not the space in between ‘girls’ and ‘friends’). i told him i remember this one girl who i was friends with who had the fattest ass. she broke my heart and she still doesn’t even know it or care to know it, let alone care at all… i won’t get into detail ‘cause it’s passed my bedtime, but yeah. i told him a couple of things, then i told him “my heart hurts.” sincere ass statement, yet he and i both laughed. it was real shit, but there’s nothing we i could really do. as a matter of fact, i may have said or something along the lines of this before… actually, i think i said “i miss when we were friends.” there’s been a correction (which girls helped me realize/articulate).. we were never friends. watch whatever episode that was and feel me. who am i even talking about..?

i miss when i had a crush on megan. sn: and i kinda miss aubrey.

if you want the truth or what’s real, then there’s no better place on the internet than this one.. and i don’t even give y’all my all! it just is what it is. only one person deserves that and i’m uncertain of who she is, as of now. maybe one day…

i love finding attractive girls on here (tumblr) ‘cause they reblog what i post and talking to them. i don’t really use this as a “social network” ‘cause kinda keep to myself on here, so it’s always nice. and i don’t really talk to girls in real life either. there’s always been that internet attraction thing… but that’s a different story.

i’ve been kinda saying a lot on twitter, lately. those tweets helped me remember what to blog about, though. remember my twitter before this blog? jarrodisntwhite. he went hard, lol. i might go back to him and chill on wonder. i like the atmosphere better over there. it’s not as cloudy, if you catch my drift.. and it will never be ‘cause the world plays by his rules. he can do and tweet what he wants.

i know i’m not doing good in life or whatever (at all), but i always feel worse than i really am.. and that’s really bad. it’s all good, though. and real shit, everybody is better than me in every way and at everything.. unless it’s being ugly and/or being the best at being the worst at something. i rule at that game. i’m learning to accept my failures a bit better, too.. the tangible ones and the intangible. they are what they are.

i want a blowjob… any chicks in my vicinity down?

aight, i’m tired and i think that’s all.

*holds power for 3 seconds*

i love watching how rappers and/or artists put together their songs. in other words, i like seeing the people i listen to in the studio.

i remember when i first heard this joint… i was gonna say this is probably my favorite cole track by far, but i just remembered hold it down. that made me realize that i’m probably forgetting about some of the various other gems he’s dropped. it’s up there, though.

- me.

to start things off, i honestly didn’t feel like typing this post. that quote actually dealt with me writing rhymes, though. i wrote it circa early 2010 or something. it still relates to me now. i was gonna try to write something early and i just felt like i couldn’t. i didn’t try much at all, but i just wasn’t feelin’ it. you know? maybe it was because i didn’t eat anything all day or i hate sitting at this gay ass computer to write/type. either one of those reasons or i’m just being me.. OR was it the conversation i had with my dad prior to even thinking about writing? word. i decided to call him ‘cause he told me to call him after my first second show (in april). i’ve had another one since then and could have another one on june 15th. anyway, we talked a bit, obviously. one of the things i asked him was what he wanted to be when he was growing up. he said he was almost certain he was gonna do something in pro sports.. whether it be baseball, basketball, or football. he played semi-pro and tried out for the cincinnati reds. he didn’t make it (obviously) and he moved on. i asked him why? why’d you give up on your dreams? was it because you didn’t believe in yourself or was it an injury or what? he said he’s a realist. his talent took him as far as it was gonna take him and he knew that was it. he moved on. i asked why he didn’t keep going. he got angry. i stopped wondering and we moved onto something else. the point of the matter is, how far does the apple fall from the tree? i believe my father and i are two totally different people, but we have some similarities. it’s not limited to just this, but it seems like we’re both alone.. there’s a lack of compromise in us.. and i’m a realist too.. but at times, i believe… that may be what keeps me going. that and i don’t just wanna survive. i wanna live. if surviving is the case, then count me out. he doesn’t really believe in me. i don’t really care. we talked about some other shit. i don’t really like talking to him that much. he just put the thought in my head that i should actually move on.. not that i haven’t put that thought in my own head already, but this is one of the times that i’ve actually been closer to that decision… i wanna cry.

“me? i’m perseverin’ through this shit; constipation…”

- also, me.

i guess that’s why this post was made.. and maybe i should continue writing bars… i remember growing up. i used to want to be a wrestler, an nba player, an artist, a rapper… all that. “passions pass. new feelings emerge. emotions.. flyin’ in the sky wit’ the birds. where’s hope, when we need it?” now? …i don’t know.

i always end up looking for people and rappers i used to know, occasionally.. to check up on them.. make sure they’re still alive or still doing their thing.. still doing good. sometimes, i fail. it is what it is. if i ever knew you, i miss you. some more than others, but you all leave impressions in my memory. i let it be.

why’d morgan deactivate her facebook? that’s the kind of girl that i want, right now. a smart bookworm one.. that would dismantle me with her vocabulary if we were ever to get into a verbal dispute.. and whose sarcasm could possibly make one angry. yes, i reworded that sentence to make myself sound smarter. i was just watching girls, by the way. new episode comes on tonight. i’ll be waiting. morgan said she watches that too. i told her i could see her in it.

i watched most of flcl, yesterday. i got to the last episode, then i started dozing off, so i decided to call it quits. i still love it. i always will, but i’m uncertain if it has the same or as much of an affect on my feelings as it used to… i don’t wanna grow up and move on from things. please don’t make me.

i’mma go chill. do i don’t know what. i may be sick… who cares. i’m thirsty, though. later.

“i guess.. we gotta grow up soon…”

I’m sure I uploaded this before, but… I feel it now/again. My phone’s new wallpaper.. again.

- Pusha T.

That beat is dumb hard. It sounds like some shit niggas would be loading the guns to in the whip at night right before they about to get into some shit. Word, though. The song was straight. The title of this post is catchy. Pusha didn’t really diss Wayne, so I can’t say he’s losing or winning their current beef… We’ll see what happens. I’m interested in this.

I’m a little jealous that somebody I… nevermind. I should make some new music.

I hate dawn.. so much. Sometimes, I wish there was no such thing as daylight… It must be the mood.

I just read something someone posted on Facebook. She said she’s jealous of people who have best friends.. like have had them for a long ass time. I like and respect that. It’s real. I kind of feel it too and where she’s coming from. I wanted to comment on it and say I was jealous of people who have good relationships with their parents. Either that or I think it’s weird when people have that. It’s just not something I’m accustom to. I didn’t feel like sharing my heart, though. I just liked it and came here.

It made me think about friendships that have deteriorated over the years, as well as current ones that seem to be blossoming… You wonder why, but you get over it. You don’t want to, but you move on. They don’t care, anyways. They didn’t either. When’s the last time I was on her mind? I can only imagine. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it sometimes. I’m good, though. This “new” friendship is… will probably have its own post soon.

I got jealous again. This time, it was because of a young friend. It was because he’s young. I always wish I could go back to back then.

And now I’m watching FLCL… I feel like Naota.. torn between girls.. abandoned… Remember that song I made for Shana? Well, shit.. you probably don’t even know who that is, lol. She got a “lovesong” back then, though. That should tell you something, if you didn’t know. It’s not a secret anymore. Hasn’t been for a few years now.

Anyways.. later.

i hung out with my nigga david the other night.. friday night.. after the show. it was dope. you know what he made me want? (pause) to be smarter. it’s not fair, lol. that nigga is smart/intellectual as hell. he had something to say about everything. i mean, these niggas were like.. bringing up pyramids in egypt and he would know the first and last names of the muhfuckas that built ‘em, lol. exaggerating, but you catch my drift. actually, i’m actually almost not exaggerating, lol. if you had a conversation with that nigga, you’d know. blessed to know him, but he could make me feel like shit sometimes, lol. if i sat back and compared us… you should already know the deal.

this is where my rock band would come into play.

and okay, so.. i’ve said this before, but i’m slightly more serious about it this time (still doesn’t mean it’s for sure gonna happen). i’m gonna i need to boycott music in general and just write my own. whenever i feel like putting on a song ‘cause it or a certain part in it relates or i’m in a particular mood that i feel should be accompanied by that particular song, i should just write those feelings in my own words. regardless if someone said something similar, they’ll be my lyrics. all sincere, too.

i need to write more period.. even when i don’t need someone else’s song or lyrics to cater to my emotions. whenever i feel like i have something to say.. like right now, actually. i need my own laptop or something (i hate being out here on this slow computer).. and some beats.

also, i want so many “technically” seemingly tangible things in life, but i don’t really work towards obtaining them. i wanna be smarter, but i don’t read to expand my knowledge. i wanna rap, but i don’t really do it that often… shit like that. that’s my lazy nature at work.. lol. that sentence was cool. see.. i guess i’m okay at somethings, sometimes. i’m talking to myself ‘cause i don’t believe in me or that i’m good at anything. well.. let me rephrase that to better suit my claims more accurately. i believe i’m good or okay really at some things, but i don’t think i’m good enough. like i said earlier, i’m constantly comparing myself or what i do to others.. and i love and appreciate almost everything.. which can be considered bad in this sense ‘cause that of which i love and appreciate so much makes me think or believe that i could never in a million years even compare to that or whatever it is. we could talk about hood rap, to real rap, to rock, to smooth jazz or whatever… i dig it all…

whatever. like i said, this all ties into me being self-conscious.. making comparisons to y’all and what not. i guess i gotta stop that.

altering the mood a bit, i wanna share something with whoever’s down for a laugh, lol. okay.. i don’t get girls, right? (i might be that nigga on uno though, lol) so i watch porn when i need to… you know. i haven’t… you know’d for over a week now ‘cause goonie was over here since my show last friday. haven’t really been in the mood, so i don’t care either. he wasn’t intruding. he left in the a.m., yesterday, and i didn’t plan on doing anything stupid.. but nothing goes according to plan. i was still trying to delete some porn off my computer so i can get some of my 40+ gbs of space back, but it’s so hard to let go, lol. i didn’t even watch the majority of them and the ones that i did watch are like classics.. so i can’t delete them, lol. and on top of that, i keep fuckin’ downloading more! now, i only have 2 gigs of space left on this computer, lol. i’m getting a little besides the point, so i’ll get back on track. i got a little horny, when viewing which pornos to delete. i may have stroked it a few times, but i was NOT beating off, lol. i was chillin’, but i had to that that hard little fucker out of his shell for a while, lol. so i’m out here on the computer.. the porno’s playin’.. my left hand is on my cock (not stroking really.. just there, lol), and i got these fucking beats by dre noise cancelling ass headphones on so no one else can hear the shit. this all sounds bad.. but like i said, i didn’t even mean for it to go down like this, lol.. it’s just been a while. anyways, what happens? my younger sister comes flying around the corner. WTF!!! i switch windows real quick and tuck my dick under the keyboard for a minute, but i KNOW what she knew/thought was happening, lol. she’s fuckin’ 14 and when i was 14… let’s not even get into it, lol. she saw me flinch mad fast to make those adjustments, too. she’s not stupid, lol. and to top it off, she fuckin’ had to get her flash drive from the computer that i was on!!! HORRIBLE, lmao. so she was kneeled down right next to me, while i was holding my dick under the slightest of covers. not literal covers that you sleep with either. FUCK! lol. this is the fucking second time she kinda caught me on some shit. it’s fucking terrible, lol. it really is. i might as well just beat off where and when the fuck i want to now, lol. i’m sure she already knows what’s up, lol… no pun intended.

again.. terrible, lol. i wonder who she’s gonna tell… or who she told, lol. fuck! lol. i knew before it happened that i was doing something wrong too, lol. i just got caught up. it wasn’t my fault, okay?! leave me alone! lol. ah, well.. either i stop that bullshit.. embrace it.. or need a girl that can cover up the fact i beat off, to her. that last sentence would be really bad, without that comma, lol. where’s ka… nevermind, lol.

i hope you enjoyed this post, lol. i’m gonna go munch on some cookies and sip some milk. might (try to) write/type a bit. rhymes, i mean. i might have to get it in with some uno hoes soon, lol. some of y’all know the recent storiesss. this is some older unfinished business shit though, lol. i really shouldn’t, but… yeah. i really hope i don’t regret this later<3

oh yeah! and fuck that nigga edmar for having abella fucking anderson following him on twitter. i’m out!